Letting Go

Well, she's become more vague and it looks like it's not reversing. Time to say goodbye to a little more of my friend and sister-in-law. I'm not visiting as much anymore, mostly because my daughter is home from college and needs help she doesn't want trying to get her life going. But truthfully, it feels good not to visit as much right now because it's so difficult to say good bye to a person one chunk at a time. On top of that, the place where she lives, a Sunrise Assisted Living facility, has become a cornucopia of craziness, courtesy of the new executive director, who in another life must have been in charge of a battalion with orders to kill and destroy all in its path! How one person can within several week wipe out all joy in mudville has become a sight to behold. From imprisoning an in the prime of his life G. Shepherd/Black Lab mix, to making every employee miserable with rules and regulations, to closely guarding the sign in book at the front desk, to locking the gates to the garden to "protect" the residents, she has made herself a true menace, all the while talking constantly about her noble attributes!  Why is it we never see in ourselves that which drives everyone else absolutely crazy?  Or, if we do see it, as I feel I now do about myself, seem incapable of changing it?!  Go figure.  In the meantime, I am waiting for the time in my life that I can laugh at all of this the way my beloved sister-in-law does.  Do we have to lose absolutely everything that is near and dear to us to really understand the comic sense of the cosmos?  I hope not but suspect so! Thank you, Jude, for the insights you have given me. I love you.

Loving a Friend with Alzheimer's

For Jude:

I love, you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am,
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good,
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch
Without a word
Without a sign
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.


Roy Croft

Visitor from Beyond?

My sister-in-law, living in the final stages of Alzheimer's disease, recently lost her mother, who lived with her in the same assisted-living facility. Since her mother's death, she has not been herself...very tired all day and wanting only to sleep. Her caregiver feels her mother is visiting her based on her own experience. (Her mother visited her for years after her unexpected death.) Others have shared their stories with me of being visited by long-time spouses, siblings, parents, or grandparents for sometime after the person's death. To help my sister-in-law, I did a moon phase reading using my native american animal cards. This reading can help balance your inner spirituality. Interestingly, my sister-in-law's reading was so true to her....but the part that struck us most was her central card, the hawk, and the message that she needs to draw on inner courage of which she is not yet aware. As her mother was incredibly tough, strong, and courageous to the point to alienating those around her, it seems to fit that she may be visiting her daughter and reaching out to help her gain the courage she needs to endure the hardships of this debilitating disease. We will see today if she is getting some rest now.....

Spring has Sprung-Love Abounds in Alzheimer Ward

What do you have when you put 1 good looking 80 yr old man with Alzheimers on a floor with 40 other Alzheimer patients, only 3 of whom are men? Cat fights! Harry sits down to eat at a table for four and finds himself crowded in by 6-8 women trying to eat with him. Does he mind? Not one little bit. As ardor dies down and fans fade away, Mary persists. They hold hands like young lovers and soon are inseparable. While memory fades, love persists. Love is more powerful than Alzheimer's. Even when Mary's husband, Jim, and Harry's wife, Elizabeth, come to visit, they are miffed yet they understand. It's a new life now for their spouses. It hurts and it's time to say goodbye.

No dishwasher or dishdryer for over a month!!

So, your assisted living company is on the brink of bankruptcy. What do you do?! That's right- pay attention "Undercover Boss"! You pay pennies to your workers, cut back on services to residents that are paying AT LEAST $5,800 per month by, for example, not helping with any aspect of internal or external moves, and the final coup de grace, keep repairing a commercial dishwasher/dryer that is toast and then, when it's deader than a doornail.....tell the staff on upper floors that they must carry every dish for 50 residents downstairs to main floor dishwasher three times a day and then bring all the clean dishes back! One of many consequences (bad backs, temperaments aside)- when an aide or resident rings for help, they wait 15-20 minutes until the "dish runner" can get back.

Booze Runner

Screw those soft and funny photos on the brochures and websites of assisted living facilities! You think life changes because you get sick, old, or become incapacitated in some way? Think again. Life marches on. Either you adjust or lose your way. When my mother-in-law first moved into assisted living, it was after the death of her husband of 65 years. First thing on the agenda? She met a new man and began a semi-romantic affair for two years until he died. (another story). One day I offered while she was at dinner with a table of friends to pick up her wine (Gallo Chablis please) and bourbon and next thing you know, I'm making a list for everyone else! Thus, my job for sometime to come as the booze runner for assisted living residents. (Skip that skimpy mini-glass of wine thank you very much!). Vermouth, whiskey, bourbon, gin, wine, beer....you name it....I bootlegged it into each of them in large UPS brown boxes. The ABC store owner started giving me very funny looks to which I replied, "Picking up a few things for friends. (:" Ah....the gratitude as I made my rounds. Filled my heart with joy!

The Admiral's Wife Died

Yesterday. He is 97. She was 96. True Love. She was comatose from Alzheimer disease the last few years. Each day, dedicated staff moved her from bed to her extended wheelchair to the couch to rest in the crook of his arm. Each day, being the admiral he is....he rises to take a shower, which consists of turning the water on and then off; having his coffee, which consists of holding an empty cup because he's too frail for it to be filled with hot coffee, and reading his newspaper (upside down). Then she rests in the crook of his arm for the day while he protects her and sings her praises to anyone who cares to listen. "This is my beautiful wife. She's a wonderful woman and mother. She's the love of my life." Now she has moved on and he is confused and lost. Will he be alive for much longer? Only the path of true love knows......